Shame

Mistakes. The things we thought were right but turned out so wrong. Bad decisions. Those times we knew we shouldn't go that route, but our flesh was more important. Temporary fulfillment took over. Shame. The weight we feel from those mistakes and bad decisions that causes a heaviness not easily lifted. My mind replayed events, conversations, decisions, and mistakes over and over again. A vicious cycle slowly driving me crazy. The disappointment I had in myself had me in a chokehold. I couldn't move past it. I couldn't see through it.

Why was I disappointed? I didn't live up to the expectations I had set for myself nor the ones I thought people had for me. I felt severe and deep shame for having my child in college. It was a blow to my own expectations, let alone other people. It caused me to be aggravated, anxious, and angry. It was the peak of my mountain of shame.

For the first time in my life, I felt noticed, and not for something great. I could feel the criticism, the judgement, disappointment from others, but it was first radiating from me. I felt all those things and I projected it on to other people. I thought everyone felt how I felt about myself. I distanced myself from many people because my perception was my reality. My shameful view of myself was digging me in a hole.

I could not shake it. For years I was unable to love myself. I thought I had made God so angry with me. I just knew He didn't love me. My mind was telling me nothing good is worth having; I wasn't deserving of it. All my mistakes and bad decisions disqualified me from happiness. My mind had me so upside down. All these thoughts were so far from the truth.

One night my church had a revival. The guest speaker said to me "God is going to tear down everything to build you back up". God literally tore everything down. Everything left me. I had nothing. But nothing is what led me back to where God wanted me to be. God said to me, "You are who I've created you to be despite your mistakes, your past, your sin. I love you and will not let you die in your shame." God loved me. He loved me through every bad decision, every mistake, every sin. God still loved me. Despite my own disappointment, God still wanted great things for me.

He began to work on my mind. My mind began to change. All the guilt and shame slowly melted away. I felt lighter. The weight of my shame was lifting. I felt better. I was finally ok with who I was and what I had done. It did not break me. Through it all, it made me better. I grew a deep motivation to be better, raise my standards, and go after MY promises. 

There are times in our life where we can't move out of our own way. Our guilt and shame have blinded us, choked us, and held us hostage. Whatever we have done in our lives, God can and will forgive. There is no shame God can't remove, no guilt He can't remove, nor disappointment He can't heal. 

Satan wants us to die in our shame. He will constantly remind us of our past. REMEMBER who you are in Christ. You are not your mistakes or your past. You do not have to die to your shame, guilt, and disappointment. Resurrection Sunday was yesterday. Jesus bore the weight of your sin and shame at the cross. It died at the cross. Leave it at the cross.

You are still who God has created you to be. That HAS NOT and WILL NOT change. Your promises are still yours. Your destiny is still waiting. Dust yourself off, put one foot in front of the other, and PRESS towards the mark! God has not failed you. God has not abandoned you. God has not forgotten you.

DO NOT DIE IN YOUR SHAME! LIVE IN YOUR VICTORY!