Surrender in the Wilderness

I surrender.

I have been going THROUGH IT since August 2024. I was in my wilderness. The past several months has been filled with sadness, pain, confusion, and downright depression. The more time passed, the more my mind was filled with despair. Why? Yes, I experienced some bad things, but ultimately it boiled down to comfortability. There is a very clear line (that can easily be blurred by me) of wanting what God has for you and being comfortable. It’s easy to say I want God’s will for my life, but when you realize just how difficult that can be, the fear sets in. I’ve found myself trying to be comfortable in my discomfort. What does that look like? Stepping slowly into God’s plan while still trying to make every step comfortable. I wanted to manipulate situations to be comfortable. I needed to know answers, whether they made sense or not, but answers made me comfortable. It’s overwhelming seeing and feeling the discomfort coming. It can cause immediate need for refuge, which ultimately means abandoning the mission. Living in uncomfortable places makes you long for what was, what was comfortable, what you knew. I just wanted to be comfortable, feel familiar. God said no.  

I was hurting myself by wanting comfort. I was delaying promise and purpose because I needed to feel comfortable. Everything God has for me is resting in the uncomfortable. To get to it I had to feel things I’ve never felt, hear things that I didn’t want to hear, experience things that I never thought I would experience, and travel through the darkness with God as my guide. My whole world has been dismantled. I am no longer who I used to be and that is scary. I want so desperately to lean on who I was before because that was comfortable. That’s who I worked so hard to know. But who I was before does not fit where I’m going. Everything I knew then, doesn’t apply now. My emotions then don’t fit my now. My feelings then don’t fit my now. My thought process then doesn’t fit the now.  God is literally making all things new.

This journey I’m on requires my complete reliance on God. He won’t let this one go on with me halfway trusting him. I must wholly lean and depend on him. He has literally taken away my ability to even try to get in the way. I am willfully surrendering. I don’t want to delay anymore. I don’t want what’s comfortable. I want God. I want his will for my life. I want his way for my life. I never thought in a million years I would be in this situation, but it’s God’s plan. It’s what he wants for my life. It’s my journey. It’s my testimony. Everything I am going through is for his glory. It is to help someone else in their journey.

There is a refueling that happens when you surrender. It may not come quickly, but it will come. The wilderness develops you. The wilderness makes you face yourself. The wilderness is designed to challenge everything you knew about yourself and God. The wilderness brings revelation. The wilderness prepares you for promise by developing purpose.

If you find yourself feeling anywhere close to where I was, know that it gets better. I had to change my perspective. I could no longer live in fear, but trust in God. God knows all, sees all, and is all! Surrender to God’s will and his way. Let go of your old self and step into who God is creating you to be now! Yes, you’ve done the work. It took a long time to know the person you are today. It’s extremely hard to walk away from that person. That person has brought you to today, but now it requires more. She was comfortable for me. I knew her inside and out.  But I’m stepping into new territory. Learn the new aspects of you.  Let God guide you. Wholly lean on Him!

Surrender.